The adrenaline rush of everything going wrong

The past few days have been seeing me to terribly high and excited, making everyone around me wondering what the good news was.. well what the bad news was should've been the million $$$ question!! whats with work coming to an end--> no great income --> no more great clothes and shoes, not to mention my extremely frequent vacation trips and general going out expenses...
School's pretty much done, so I need to now think of a proper job, not just an internship... Waking up at 5:30 and sleeping at midnight trying to fit in everything to 1 day.. To top it all.. life seems to be going in a different direction from the great plans I had seen for myself...

Well the adrenalin rush is still crazy high.. I don't know what I'm running on.. definitely not seen the treadmill in two weeks.. and its not the food... so I started wondering, is the excess energy or the adrenalin rush that pushes us to get things done when everything is just so wrong, able to get us such a high, that nothing can really get us down?? Or is the incapacity to think due to everything going on in life giving me no freedom to think of what is really going on around me??

Forever reason it is.. I don't have an answer.. and I cannot deny that I love it all.. the lack of sleep.. the unending stress.. and the knowledge that I can really be that superwoman I wanted to me...

Vidya's top cardinal sins

Admit it.. we all have our lil fiendish habits.. some almost always variations of the bible kind.. but then some seem to ring extra popular with me.. and I decided to list out the biggest temptations I face, and which are the source of ultimate embarrassment!!

1. Running behind something I just cant have..
Lol.. this ones a popular one.. but my interests in something is heightened upto that last second when I know I just cant get it. There might be some interest on keeping it for a little while after reaching it.. but thats not quite as exciting.. This runs from things to guys I find interesting.. I like them just out of my reach.. and then life is just soo exciting, a hindi movie pales in comparison..

2. Being extremely complicated
Underanalysis has never been a fault of my personality. I have always liked to look right into things and really see how they function... This results in coming into horrendous twisted complications that make drama pale in comparison, but then I do love life twisted and completely irrational..

3. Being the ultimate romantic
Not just in the " I would do anything for love", but really believing in the existance of a true world if you want it to exist... This is something people who know me well have often commented about.. and I love living within my own world.. It might seem totally irrational and senseless and silly, but I still love being in it.

4. Always having an object of my affection
The object can change as long as it fulfils the sin criteria #1. It could be a pair of shoes, a guy or even some great car that I know is simply out of my reach. Its always better not getting too serious, cos then living in with your own ideals become difficult, as life becomes too dependent on what you are trying to attain... But it does keep you happy, and is the secret receipe for maintaining glowing skin.

5. Loving my attention
I love attention.. in a positive way... I love it when my friends wanna know what is happening with me.. when people appreciate me.. and when I do something that I know is great!! I love the Limelight.. might be a sign of the lack of self confidence.. but i still love it..

when psychoanalysis is not just psycho

I have always been a fan of complexity.. My head goes into deep devious alleys trying to figure out about things and what they mean.. I thought my analysis had some level of efficiency.,.. till I did "THE QUIZ"..
Seemingly innocent in nature, I was quizzed about seemingly insignificant things, like my preference for chocolate to ice cream, how negetively I could see things etc., mind you.. these were yes and no qs.. as in.. How bad can you see things as? very or not at all..
On completion of a bunch of qs, I got the analysis of the 1st four.. scarily accurate.. and not in the your a happy funloving.. applies to 90% of the population kinda way... but in a serious, this is who you are kinda way.. and the level of accuracy was scary..
So natually, I did what I always do,. asked my best friend what she thought about it?? maybe since she might see that I am a lot more blatently transparent than I thought I was...
Imagine the shock when she thinks those were things I was telling her about myself.. and that the replies were from someone I had barely any knowledge of..
Well.. as she knows me better than anyone... I am forced to go by my first instinct.. that I really am not blatently transparent.. but tha hocus pocus is not always.. "hocus pocus"

Arranging the escaped marriage

A couple of us were carpooling on the way home from class.. and we were talking about everything under the sun when he goes "Vidya, is you're family hounding you about marriage now?" with a wink.. well he was joking.. but what he addressed got me thinking a little bit...
There's a lot of cynicism regarding the concept of arranged marriage in India, but then, how much different is it than going on a date with a guy you just met.. Nowadays, arranged marriage is no longer a "meet the guys picture and then marry him", it is really about knowing the guy for 6 months or a year before deciding, the best thing being that its no longer just you who is entering with a serious intent, it is the guy as well..

Coming back to arranged marriages, I started thinking more deeply on whether there was one factor, various expressions of which could explain the psychology behind most or all arranged marriages... I came up with various reasons that I have seen people enter arranged marriages for - fear of an over dominating/protective family or too much love for an over protective/dominating family, the lack of caring because you could not marry the person you loved, fear that you would end up all alone, lack of belief that you could find the person meant for you... at the end of the day.. unless you see the ideal situation of loving a person that is completely acceptable by the family - but in this case it is a love marriage in essence, an arranged marriage in its true self, I realized, is a way of escape.. Escaping from all the insecurities mentioned above... Its a way out where someone else takes a part of your responsibility, and makes the escape easier, where you can fall in love and have the security that the person you fall in love with is not gonna run out on you..

Does it work?? well never been in one.. so too early to judge..

Well coming back to the conversation.. I told him that an arranged marriage was something I would potentially enter.. and that I did not see it as a necessary evil... on the contrary.. ive seen a number of cases where it worked out pretty well... So what escape did I seek???

"That's a secret I'll never tell"

The little thing that became big

It was Sunday evening and I was finally back home.. only to realize that my old roomate had come to take her bed away, i.e. Vidya was bedless.. :(..
As the Walmart was just 5 minutes away.. I decided to go to Walmart with her to get a new bed, making Vidya = bedful..
So we walk along, and on entering decide to get the same thing she had, but with a smaller size.. I pass along and then I see this great comforter on sale (with pillow covers), and 2 great looking pillows, and this very cute table, and soda, and chips.. and before I know it, Im dragging my trolley home with a $150 bill rather than the $50..sigh sigh...
The next thing I know we reach home, and open this supposedly "easy to assemble" table - made in china consisting a variety of screws, hooks and otehr cardboard and styrofoam junk..
Proceeding to assemble the seemingly innocent looking table, we decided to screw i the foundation, so that I didnt have the whole thing slamming on my feet while i worked.. We managed to screw just half in, and wondered why the hinge was dangling at this awkward angle with no particular function...
Well Nailing in all the foundation screws, we observed that they all protruded at exactly the same length.. hmm.. complexed bewitched, I proceded to use every ounce of energy in my already aching limbs, only to have the screw move a couple of mms, but having the horrible realization that there were 5 others screws awaiting the same treatment.
We then proceeded to the next set of screws, to fix the shelves onto the table. Now either the holes in the boards were done by a blind person, or someone having a problem with a perception of depth.. for whatever the reason, we had holes drilled into areas that were completely out of sync with the rest of the configuration, which left us with randomly putting nails in at random angles to attempt making shelves on my new, already old feeling table.
We then proceeded to remodel my entire room, with old memories of being an interior designer some day (I wonder if cheap furnishing from Walmart for a great effect would have a market?).
Closing word: Make a list before shopping, for not making one definitely does not help the bill..

the little things in life

you ever started out with a bad day.. and had lots of little things making it better and better, little by little, till you fall asleep thinking its a wonderful day?? I just had one of those.. I got up with a real grumpy/happy mood..
Grumpy --> waking up at 7:30 to go for work, and a long trip to San Jose ahead
Happy --> TGIF!!
So I get up and start getting ready.. and walk to work.. and tried to call up some of my favorite ppl.. but all were sleeping or busy.. and i thought.. uugghh.. not a good beginning..
I head to work.. and i had this wonderful thing that i was supposed to saturday nite.. only to see that all the tickets were sold out.. uugghh.. don't you hate that?? especially when it was combined with a sleepover at a friends you havent seen in 6 months..
Well I go on with my work.. and start talking to other friends that I hadnt talked to in ages.. so new plans crop up for saturday nite.. and lifes looking better..
Well.. then the big meeting with the boss comes along.. one Id been dreading and looking forward to for ages.. Will my internship continue?? so we go for lunch..
Although i dont get an answer to the question, she seems very keen on keeping me on.. and talks about talking to her boss and getting back to me about it = good money + great job === GREAT DAY.. Vidya is now officially happy..
to top things off.. we had one of our "socials" in office == free food and alcohol.. and meeting LOTS of new ppl.. As I finally was done with my 10 day vegetarian ordeal.. I could pig out on the great chicken, talk to a friend I had not seen since I joined two months ago (my new jogging partner), and generally socialize.. before heading out with my carpool buddies to san jose.. to look forward to the great weekend up ahead..
So forget the horor sorry horoscope.. heheh.. and just takes things as they come..
p.s. my horoscope for today is as yet unread.. do share anything you see about it.. I am aquarian.. :)

Lifes not a circle, its sqaure

You know how everyone thinks lifes a circle and you keep going round in circles? How then, do you explain all the bumps and hits? I think lifes a sqaure, your safe in the middle, stray too much, and you might chance upon a cracked knee (the corner), or a broken nose (the flat sides).. either ways.. we all just try to stick to that middle area, and if unfortunate, you are standing on quicksand, or you cross the lines, and are no longer there...

we test the times..

Isnt it ironic how indians can get into politics no matter where they are? I myself used to carefully follow what happened in the indian govt while i lived there.. while the primary intention was forcing down those "oh so well written" editorials to score higher on my GRE, I liked to believe that it was my keen interest on changing the world that did it for me...
Fortunately or unfortunately, I land up in San Jose, and whats with trying to be a good graduate student (the not - primary reason for reading those editorials) and being a teacher who taught things that were largely intuitive (how do I save a word document), I got stuck in the middle of both worlds.. or rather out of it.. I lost all track of indian politics, and Bush and the Terminator could not keep me reading the american papers..
And then getting the new job changed it all.. I was suddenly put in a place, where the name "Sarah Palin" was suddenly the center of information, the route to talk to your boss and become the smart, young new intern with great potential in the company..
And so i did just that.. I followed the vice presidential debate, and talks by Obama (unfortunately the soccer mom remained unimpressive in any but the "Britney before the disaster" way... and now.. I am waiting so curiously for Nov 4.. the day... the Bush finally gets cut.. and when america gets to choose between a previous supermodel or the man who said that "look, past is prologue, facts matter".. hmm... i wonder which president hes referring to..

stilettos on wood..

I go to work... and we decide to go indian for lunch.. and so we go to this little andhra place.. Im dressed in my formals.. with my shoes.. I enter and before I know it.. I'm skidding on the floor..
Thankfully, Im able to regain balance using a nearby table before falling flat on my face.. and then I was thinking.. isn't it horrible when you try to make yourself up perfect and then you blotch up on the littlest thing..and you stand there.. and just feel like burying yourself.. cos the whole impression you made.. with the clothes and everything else, just got destroyed by that.. not to mention the sheer embarrassment next to my coworkers..
I felt so silly and so ungrown up that I suddenly wondered whether we could ever live by our age.. or wed always feel a little older or younger than we are..

The week undone

you know those days that are just in the middle.. where everything is so neutral that you tend to take things one way or the other, cos the dynamic equilibrium in life never lets anything stay absolutely still?? Well.. the past few days have been an on and off of the sorts.. its not been bad.. but then not particularly good either.. and then you come out with this sticky taste on your tongue.. like somethings bothering you.. but you cant get it out either.. and when you want a lot of people around you.. but then you really don't.. and everythings so confusing cos everything seems like just what you dont want.. but then you arent bothered enough to take it away..
So, in order to resolve issues.. i took it upon myself to make dal paalak.. and straighten my hair.. and go to sleep reading my great new book... and somehow.. things started to feel better.. not that I had gotten any further with resolving anything.. but I just felt like maybe the world was static for a while.. and I hadn't gotten it all wrong..

Is that the one?

Ever experienced the feeling of short term amnesia and complete hold of memory at the same time? I've maintained an infamous reputation for the capacity to remember my clothes and shoes, irrespective of how many they might be, and how old they are. My unique capacity also includes remembering the history of every piece of clothing I own. Everytime we changed houses, or I had to pack up, we went through an eloberate ritual of where the clothes came from, and how they landed in my closet. If that wasn't enough, I'd embark into a wholly philanthropic mode, where I decide which clothes would go for charity.

Ahh... but there lies the bigger problem.. if I give something away, then I'll have to erase that top with all its memories attached to it from me.. and do I then have the strength to severe that tie?? I try hitting middle ground by trying to convince friends to wear it, so that, in my mind, that outfit still stays with me, and I have the potential to remember it ever so often.

After serious considerations, I managed to get 5 pieces of clothing, ready for the red cross, and my roomie (looking at me lovingly) going "are you sure you are ready to part with them?" I put my foot down and decided to go ahead...

Final moral of the story: I got so busy relocating, that the poor clothes landed up in the garbage...
So much for philanthropy...

A piece of candy

So the other day I heard about this experiment that was conducted on kids.. don't worry.. it did not involve electricity or any body parts.. but what the scientists did do.. was offer each child a piece of candy.. they were then told to sit in the room with the candy for an hour. If they could resist eating it.. then they would get another piece, whereas if they ate the candy, they wouldn't. A follow up after 30 years showed that all those who waited for the next piece of candy were extremely successful, while those who ate it weren't. A classic example of living in the moment vs not..
Does waiting pay off?? Does a serious cost benefit analysis help in coming up with a more ideal solution? Or should we follow pop culture and take chances for everything?

Life and things like that..

Its funny how everytime you think you have everything you need... you are made aware of the one thing you want the most.. and I don't mean those new shoes or the great new movie.. I mean things like the perfect career or the perfect guy.. Its not like being put on the crossroads.. but then.. its not like you aren't there either.. so how do you know your decision is right?? Is it that one minute of clarity that makes it right?? Or will the hours of indecision and unhappiness that follow it make it wrong?? How do you decide if what you decided will keep you happy for long?? Living for the moment might seem like the best solution.. but then I never really think that solves the problem.. there are a lot of lil things in life that will make you happy, like that unexpected phone call, or a compliment from a stranger.. but do you really want every minute of your life to be that way?? or does some level of comfort bring in a greater happiness??